Beel Please

The other day I was at Abola La Pok with Hayden, Coy and Robi. We go there a lot for lunch, especially since Diana Gardens was overtaken by evangelicals. We ordered and then all laughed together about the very particular way one must order in Gulu to get what you want the fastest way possible.

For starters, you can never go right into ordering, something that a hungry New Yorker just doesn’t get. Instead, greetings must occur or else the server becomes completely unnerved. Ugandans are truly the most polite people on the planet.

“Hello”
“I’m fine. How are you?”
“I’m fine.” (although I didn’t ask you how you were yet, I just said hi)

Once greetings conclude you must then establish what food is ready. Normally one might use a menu for this type of thing, but menus are more inspirational than factual in Gulu. For example, the cheeseburger on the menu sounds good, but has never, ever been available. Other items could be available eventually, but certainly not in the lunch hour. So the server recites the items that the chef has prepared in advance.

“What is ready now?”
“We have goat’s stew, chicken stew, beef stew. We have potatoes. Rice.”

Once you get this list, you must probe further, because the initial recitation is often incomplete.

“Do you have malakwang (spinach in peanut sauce)?
“It is not there.”
“Do you have sweet potatoes?”
“They are not yet ready.”
“Do you have beans?”
“Beans are there.”

When you are sure you have the complete list of available items, it’s time to order. Now some words of caution. You must order 1 dish that is considered a main dish by Ugandan standards and 1 starch. You cannot, say, order chicken and beans and potatoes. Well you can, but you will be asked to select another starch and two meals will be delivered. You can’t order starch alone, say just an order of chips, without considerable effort.

“Can I have chips?”
“Chips?”
“Yes chips.”
“Plain chips?”
“Yes, plain chips and nothing else please.”
“Ok please” (eyebrow raise) He or she usually walks away confused and/or laughing.

The other ordering no no is ordering for two people at once. If you say for example that you want 1 beans, 1 chicken, 1 rice and 1 potato and that you want it for you and the person standing next to you, you will receive 2 plates of chicken, 2 beans, two rice and two potatoes. Given the portion sizes here, that’s enough for about 10 people. It is possible to order for two, say if you’re trying to impress your Gulu date. But it has to be done a particular way.

“I would like 1 beans and rice” …wait for server to scribble down the order and make eye contact again.
“And the madam will have 1 chicken stew and 1 potato.”

Once you’ve got your food order down, you can order your drink, which is straightforward. One word of caution if you order juice though: you must pronounce it “jeweese.” The good news is that if you follow these simple rules, the food comes pretty quick.

A side note on condiments: Acholi/Ugandan food is not known for its culinary nuance, but there are 3 condiments usually available to help boost the flavor: salt, Top Up Ketchup and Top Up Chili Sauce. The Top ups are gelatinous, florescent blobs of artificial flavor that make new arrivals retch. But to us seasoned folks (ha!) we rely on these and use all three with reckless abandon.

When you’re finished, asking for the check may also cause a little confusion. If you ask for the bill, the server may bring you a “Bell beer.” So make sure you pronounce what you want clearly and ask:

“Can I have the beel please.”
“Ok please.”